Darwin’s Turtles: The Evolution of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

If you’re as hyped about the teenage mutant NINJA TURTLES movie as I am…wait, let me start that sentence over. If you are quasi-aware that there is a new Michael Bay-helmed teenage mutant NINJA TURTLES movie(why are they downplaying the fact that they are teenage mutants? I sense a conspiracy) maybe you’ll be interested in the turtle’s long, strange journey from doodle to stars of screens both big & small, the stage, and pasta shape.

Despite that fun trip through the past, don’t forget the dark horror that lays in our societal collective unconscious: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles NES game. More specifically, the terrible evils of the underwater level. I’m pretty sure that exact level is what taught me how to swear. But Raphael knows what I’m talking about, right Raph?

You Wanted the Best & Instead You Got This: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer

Wait wait wait WAIT. What in the hell is Megan Fox doing in a Michael Bay film? Didn’t she get fired from the Transformers franchise for calling him a Nazi? Didn’t he make her wash his car in her bikini as part of the audition process? But I guess all is better because she is now APRIL O’NEIL, yellow jumpsuit (ed.note: jumpsuit? definitely a yellow jacket) in all, in Michael Bay presents Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

So….your thoughts on this?

My thought is they should’ve used this as the source material instead: