1995 was the last time I was able to braid my infamous facial hair, subjugating the structure into facial follicle art with leftover orthodontic rubber bands. A summer job in a defunct “intellectual” toy store called for a trim of the whiskers, and the goat never restored itself to full-blown dark-black-stink-netherworld-tentacled glory. Captain Lou Albano, we miss you.
Now, we progress to the topic of the day, and I’m gonna keep it brief: I’ve had a particular opinion solicited by the founder of this website. I’ve been asked to provide my thoughts on the super(annoying) super-hero mania that has gripped the TV and cinema nations since Dafoe channeled the Goblin 12 years ago. I was fair to the TV shows, so I watched a few episodes “on demand”: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Gotham, and The Flash. I gritted my teeth and endured the viewings. Upon their conclusion, I hit the white boxes in the back of the closet. The “slick and polish” treatment and the youthful twist are as equally offensive as the “gritty” loquaciousness and mundane posturing. Look, kids, I’m always gonna be on the outside looking in, leering with the gargoyles before being eaten by the moon. I simply cannot endorse this movement because the shows & movies are so g*ddamned boring. They are akin to the zombie craze: the more you shoot ’em, the more they don’t just stay dead, and more of ’em explode from the armpits of Hollywood. Same ol’ song and dance without anything so original that you are transfixed. If you crave good superhero TV, IFC shows “Batman” on the weekends. There’s the outland of which we can all be proud. I am sorry I can’t improve upon this review; I can only say it all stinks and their collective popularity are creating the wrong kind of comic book fans, the ones who think “Justice League Europe” is delightfully retro and who never crack a grin while reading ” ‘Mazing Man”. Just get ’em off my planet and call me when it’s done; I’ll be under the bed with the back issues, keeping the purists and the whole g*ddamned renaissance of comic books on life support.
The CinemaSins YouTube channel came to my attention three weeks ago when they posted a hilarious take down of The Amazing Spiderman. The general idea is a witty, rapid-fire narration pointing out all the inconsistencies, lazy plot devices and general crappiness of a given movie. At the end each flick is invariably sentenced to eternal filmic damnation for its crimes. Fun, right?
The video above is their most recent effort, titled “Everything Wrong With Prometheus In 4 Minutes Or Less”. I’m surprised it only takes four minutes because that movie was an atrocious piece of shit, at once offensive to Alien enthusiasts and incomprehensible to neophytes. Truth be told, the Prometheus vid is the weakest offering the group has put out so far (Seriously, no one realized the two finger salute is the UK equivalent of the middle finger?) but it has its moments. If you enjoy this one, I definitely recommend checking out the videos for Spider Man, The Dark Knight Rises and (my personal fave) The Avengers. Who knew 2012’s best genre movies were so full of holes?
(Answer: everyone who watched them.)
I think the only superhero who changes costumes more frequently than the Man of Steel is the Man of Spiders (ed. note: No one calls him that dude. No one.), Peter Parker. I’d like to see a comparison chart, actually. If only I knew some ARTISTS who were good at drawing COMICS on the WEB. Hmmm.
(Link via TDW)
Ok, not really. But seriously, look at this:
You’re telling me that non-healing power enabled Peter Parker was able to survive a straight right hand from an organic steel covered, Juggernaut AND Phoenix powered Colossus? No way. Look, I know this is “comics” but come on. Peter’s head should look like some extra lumpy chili inside that mask! He shouldn’t be able to be swinging from rock outcropping to rock outcropping all nimbly-bimbly! Let’s say he survives that first punch (doubtful); Colossus still goes berserk on him for the majority of the next two pages! In one of the panels he stands on Parker’s back! Colossus weighs 500 lbs when transformed, the Juggernaut, 1,900lbs! Parker’s guts should have shot out of his mouth (or what was left of it) at that point!
Before we get to the non-death of Spider-Man, AvX rolls on. I think the idea to focus on Spider-Man this issue was interesting; though the foreshadowing was pretty heavy-handed in his conversation with Hope. Back to Spider-Man in a minute as elsewhere it looks like the Phoenix
Five Four are starting to fold under the cosmic might of The Phoenix. Emma is starting to crack and after being basically ignored by Cyclops when she asked for help, she flits off and melts the brain of some guy who had just been sitting down to dinner. How does that work? Ding-Dong! “Who is it?” “Uh…some hot naked glowing lady.” “Does she want to come in for dinner?” BRAIN-MELT.
At the infirmary in K’un-L’un, why is everyone still in costume? You’re injured, put some sweat pants on!
Magick & Colossus toss Thor in a volcano that is actually housing an incursion of Limbo onto Earth. I thought Limbo was supposed to be a place of nothing; layaway for the soul until someone comes by and scoops you up. Now it’s all fire-n-brimstone & full of demons? Hmmm. Storm looks on, concerned. But then she’s all “Whatevs” and flies back off to Wakanda where T’Challa is all, “Hey Ororo, guess what?”
Colossus has apparently gone crazy (see last issue of Wolverine & The X-Men), tacking on legs to whales because he thought they’d be happier on land. Turns out, not so much. He asks Magick for help in creating some new whales later on. Piotr, you crazy.
Anyways, the remaining Avengers try a last ditch full-frontal assault on where the Avenger prisoners are being kept; the aforementioned Limbo incursion. They get handled easily by Magick & Colossus, at which point Spider-Man somehow makes everyone retreat, creates a rockslide to seperate the X-Men and the fleeing Avengers, then takes on Magick & big shiny C himself. Which brings us full circle to the magically unkillable Peter Parker. Who not only doesn’t die when facing these two demi-gods, but manages to actually talk them to death. Ok, not legit death, but enough that they knocked each other out (?) and lost their Phoenix powers. And with that we are down to the Phoenix Two. Including super codpiece sporting Cyclops:
“LOOK ON MY CODPIECE YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR!”
Three more issues of this? Oh, brother.
From artist Tim Maclean, superheroes recast as Roman & Greek gods.