This is How Out of The Loop I Am: Stick of Truth Sequel Announced at E3

 

So, on one hand: I can’t believe I completely missed this entire announcement. On the other hand though: an amazing looking sequel to one of my favorite games of 2014? Hell yes.

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Bereft Since November 2011, Soon I Shall Be Complete: Skyrim DLC for PS3

Ever since I’ve heard the wonderful news that the PS3 is finally getting all of the Skyrim DLC, I’ve slowly but surely been able to pull back from the precipice of viewing the world in full blown Tamriel-O-Vision. Soon, I’ll be able to get my Elder Scrolls fix in a proper setting, namely on my couch and via my television. Below, what the last years been like (namely: horrible).
Image

images via 

We (Don’t) Have to Go Back!

From Fake Anything comes this somewhat cartoonish but still super detailed map of Tamriel. It’s an interesting twist on my (virtual, buggy) homeland from last winter. I’m still annoyed that those of us on the PS3 aren’t going to be seeing any DLC anytime soon but maybe that’s not a bad thing…I don’t know if I have the time to get completely absorbed back into that game. Do you know how many charts I drew up, mapping out my smithing & enchanting strategies? I had Skyrim To-Do lists, fer #@#%-sake. On second thought…Skyrim, it was super fun. But you stay over there in the played games pile. GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE.

Metal Gear Solid 4 Trophy List Revealed

SSSSNNNNAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEE

I am really looking forward to playing this game again. It’s been years at this point since I’ve last picked it up so it’ll be interesting to see how it holds up.  Plus I’ve forgotten mostly everything about it, so it’ll be like a bonus new game. BONUS. GAME.

I’ve been a huge fan of the Solid series, though I have to side with MGS3 being my favorite. Which was your favorite?

Trophy list is as follows:

Bronze You enjoy all the killing, that’s why. Killed many enemies in one area, and vomited.
Bronze Divine Wind Caused a “divine wind” using the Tanegashima.
BronzeHands Up! Held an enemy soldier at gunpoint and performed a body check.
BronzeEmotion Control Controlled an enemy soldier’s emotions using an Emotive Magazine.
BronzeHurt me more! Shocked an enemy soldier using Mk. II/III.
BronzeDrum Can Addict Knocked an enemy soldier flying using a Drum Can.
BronzeThat Tune Is His Mind Control Music Played Oishii Two-han Seikatsu and made one of the BB Corps dance.
BronzeOverhead view — just like old times… Used overhead view on Shadow Moses Island.
Silver SUNLIGHT! Obtained the Solar Gun.
Silver I Just Don’t Fear Death Caused ALERT status while wearing the Corpse Camo.
Silver Where I Can See Ya Located enemy soldiers using the Scanning Plug.
Silver Ghost Photography Addict Snapped at least 5 shots of ghosts on Shadow Moses Island.
Silver FaceCamo Addict Obtained 10 or more types of FaceCamo (excluding types obtained via password).
SilverCan you feel my power now!!!? Took control of an enemy soldier’s body using the Mantis Doll or Sorrow Doll.
SilverAre you an Otaku too? Viewed all model posters.
SilverYou’re pretty good. Got kissed by Ocelot during the final battle.
Gold Flashback Mania Viewed all flashbacks.
GoldSounds of the Battlefield Obtained all iPod® tracks (excluding tracks obtained via password).
GoldI am THE expert on weapons, equipment and cutting-edge technology. Obtained all weapons (excluding weapons obtained via password).
Platinum The Legendary Hero Obtained all trophies.

Snake, are you looking forward to another trip to the battlefield? Really? How excited?A real hand full
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Wow.  You don’t say. (Link via Kotaku)

VPH Review: “Shadows of the Damned” a.k.a. I Don’t Want to Play Video Games Anymore

PLAY AT YOUR OWN RISK

Let me first start out by saying  I had zero interest in playing this game but after a year of badgering from imperviousrex and him literally showing it into my hand while shoving me out of his apartment the other week after poker I figured why not.  A list of quotes, then, from me while I was playing the game:

  • “I’ve never played a game where you get a trophy for adjusting the brightness.”
  • “Apparently being trapped in an invisible corner and tapping X to turn around just makes the camera completely schiz out…and now I just died. Thanks, terrible camera.”
  • “This isn’t the worst soundtrack ever, but that’s only because I haven’t heard every soundtrack ever.”
  • “So apparently when you try to jump over something,  instead you stop and reload. Fantastic”
  •  “I can’t believe I’m still playing this.”
  • “Seriously? Are you serious right now?”
  • “(unintelligible cursing)”
  • (get up from couch and walk around trying to keep calm)
  • “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME”
  • “Come on man (followed by kicking the controller across the floor)!!!”

I lost/burnt the rest of my notes. To say this game was a frustrating, non-fun experience would be underselling the frustration & non-fun of the whole ordeal. I think Star Wars: The Force Unleashed was a better game and I HATED that game with a fiery passion. I would like to think that, had I not heard that this game was “super fun” ” really funny” “dark” clever” and some other adjectives I forgot I would’ve played this with at least a bit of objectivity.

No. You know, just no.  It’s terrible, terrible EXPERIENCE. Taken as a whole, (story, graphics, sound, voices, acting, writing) it’s breathtakingly bad.  Suda51 must have all sorts of dirt on EA’s executive board.

…if i take a step back, there were at least two tiny, slightly not as awful parts of the game:

  • The Big Boner (which I will leave up to those of you brave enough to play this game to figure out exactly what that is / could be)
  • The 2-D  papercraft sidescroller levels. I thought that was a clever & unexpected direction to move in.  So kudos there, you creepy weirdo.

I could never tell whether having your unkillable, undead girlfriend Paula (who the Devil may have raped to death) chase you was scary or annoying. It’s your classic Indiana Jones v. The Boulder chase scene, where Paula’s the boulder and if she catches you (and she will. Many, many, many times) instead of being mercifully squished and whisked off to archeological heaved, you’re forced to repeatedly re-enact the chase until you can finally get away.  Terrible.

As I’ve yet to come up with a clever rating scheme (ed. note: unbuttoned shirts?) we’ll just go with this in the meantime:

You get

(additional words & edits by imperviousrex)