With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Ten: End of the World…Ever Been? Free Continental Breakfast… Zombies for the Kids…

While most of us were watching “Honey Boo Boo”…

I saw a movie that made me think about fanged, flying bagels with black velvet wings – about ghosts of the Alamo – about dead professional wrestlers who are eternally waiting for the bell and Howard Finkel’s introduction to bring them back to the ring. The movie is “The Cabin in the Woods”.

I ate zucchini bread, nuclear ravioli, and coffee soda while I enjoyed “The Cabin in the Woods”, followed by “The Grey”. You ought to watch the two movies in one evening; don’t inject inferior substitutes. Don’t precede Liam Neeson’s War with Inevitability with “The Last House on the Left”, and don’t follow Thor’s Wild Motorcycle Ride with “Starship Troopers”. I’m not responsible for the emotional erosion or physical deterioration you may experience if you mess with the Formula for Freeing your Mind from Entanglement and Swamp Goo.

“Hey, Kids, Remember to Water Your Plants, or They’ll Shrivel and Die” <—You can't repudiate the authenticity of this statement, as the producers of "The Cabin in the Woods" have permitted the adage to predicate the bloodstream of the production. I don't want to wish for more movies to be made with a similar storyline to that of “The Cabin in the Woods”, but I’m certain the industry “scare me stupid” pundits have exercised their rights to copious notetaking based upon the movie’s success.

So many possibilities – “Choose Your Own (Your Last) Adventure” – Any horror movies that reminds me of frozen yogurt chains is an A+ and a Contender for Greatness. Just look at that board: the audience was treated to glimpses of just about every bugger on the list. “Gigantic Worm Monsters from the Southwestern US” and “Dead Professional Wrestlers” would the list a tad more pleasure-sustaining…I would’ve loved to have seen the Angry Molesting Tree vs. Scarecrow Folk vs. Wendigo. RENT IT – LIVE IT – LOCK YOUR DOORS – UNHINGE ALL ELSE.

Advertisements

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eight: Eaten by the Moment.

My previous post was subtitled “…Chapter Nine:…” – What happened to Chapter Eight? What happened to the Dufrenes?!? How can you blog at a time like this, when Chapter Eight is lost in the wilderness of Antarctic Hollywood with Anthony Hopkins, Liam Neeson, and Dennis Quaid staring slack-jawed and salivating like voracious Mumm-Ra underlings??!?!?! Hey, man, there’s a whole lotta smartness out there — Try not to get any of it on ya.

I finally watched “Battle Royale” – I sandwiched it sauerkraut-style between the fatalistically futilitarian “Knowing” and the Didn’t-the-80s-Just-Make-You-Feel-Like-a-Splattered-Baked-Potato-on-a-Windshield “Down and Out in Beverly Hills”. The movie filled me with the requisite joy and pluck to face forward and confront with raised eyebrow and twirly ‘stache that Infernal Racket-‘n’-Clamor that Man has Dubbed…TUESDAY. Tell me again about the appeal of this..this..Quentin Tarantino somethin’-or-other; I’m not certain I can wrap my mind ’round it…or my Fists of Fury.

I’m a notorious Disaster Movie junkie – Iced coffee and the End of the World <—-One Cancels the Other. IT DOESN'T END LIKE YA THINK IT DOES!! Movies like "Knowing" that can't creep through a midnight kitchen raid shouldn't be cursorily rejected for its prosaic storyline – just think of every new Disaster Movie as another Head of Tiamat or Tentacle of the Kraken (hey – another post in which the Kraken is namedropped – your interpretation of obsequiousness may ink your epitaph, but I'll be laughing on the Shoulders of Madness MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH)

And so it goes.