With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eighty-Four: The Chill is Gone in Gotham…

Stalwart cinematic presence Eli Wallach, most closely identified as the eponymous “Ugly” Tuco of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly and the bandit Calvera in The Magnificent Seven, passed away on June 24 at the illustrious age of 98.

Astride the laurels of his diverse and extraordinary career rests the role that, in Mr. Wallach’s words, earned him the greatest amount of fan mail — the 3rd and final Mr. Freeze of the 60’s TV show, “Batman”. He assumed the role of the frigid felon after Otto Preminger, the 2nd Mr. Freeze (assuming the cold character after Mr. Freeze #1, George Sanders, was unavailable), so repulsed the cast and crew with his arrogant behavior that he was not invited to return to the program. I’ll admit Eli Wallach was frigid fun camping it up as Mr. Icy and Iniquitous, but Otto’s devious twirling of his bushy red eyebrows and scurrilous sounding off “Wild, wild!” when his schemes would progress as planned were malevolently memorable.

Now, you know ol’ Kentucky Jay rocks the geekboy status rather hard when his favorite celebs visit ethereal Tinseltown one-way only, so I distracted myself on Wednesday morning to consider the dwindling membership of the 60’s Batman Rogue’s Gallery. Batman, Robin, and yes, the red-wigged shark-jumper Batgirl are still alive. Catwoman #1 and #2 (Julie Newmar and Lee Meriwether) are still sharpening their claws. Joan Collins (The Siren), Barbara Rush (Nora Clavicle, the chairwoman of the Ladies’ Crime Club), Dina Merrill (Calamity Jan, beloved co-conspirator of the rootin-tootin criminal cowboy Shame, who was portrayed by Merrill’s late husband, Cliff Robertson), Glynis Johns (Lady Penelope Peasoup), and — Holy Hanging In There, Batman! — Zsa Zsa Gabor (Minerva, the villainess of the final episode of the series) remain vengefully vital.

However, the male membership of this society of sinister schemers & dastardly dreamers has been whittled away to but ONE. Oh, and the galaxies do hand me a peanut-butter-and-irony milkshake upon the conclusion that the one actor still alive, the solitary remaining male super-villain of the TV series, was featured in the first two episodes of “Batman” I ever saw, wayyyy back in 1983, when WNYW Channel 5 ran “Batman” weekdays at 5 PM. Double Whammy: He’s an actor (and a role) I’ve celebrated in a previous post – Congratulations, old bean; I’ll permit the picture to perform the punchline:


With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eighty-Three: VH1’s Behind the Mustache: Kentucky Has Seceded From the Union…

Alert the tabloids, for the deed is done. Facebook and I are no longer chums. The account’s been erased, and the chains have been shattered. I am free of that cell where What You Say Doesn’t Matter. Recently, somebody – perhaps the Last Somebody Of My Life – posed this inquiry to my wife: “Hey,*NAME CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT*, tell him, ‘Happy Birthday!’ Did [he] skip out on Facebook?” Somebody call the casualty notification officer – he’s got a story to tell: “The Top Nine Reasons Why I Left Facebook”. I see you have all been lured to the flypaper by my scatter of bite-sized Snickers, so cease your quarrel and squelch your bicker. What’s out there anywhere for ya, huh?

9. I grew tiresome of being the Me-Looky-No-Touchy observer of the raging Pier 6 brawl between the ardent & aggressive “Ghostbusters” fans and the zealous & zero-tolerant “The Real Ghostbusters” devotees. Back in ’86 (seems like I say that expression everyday to some captive listener), Filmation rushed the “Ghostbusters” cartoon, based on the 70s live-action series, into production so quickly, it debuted 1 week prior to the introduction of the animated series based on the 1984 movie. I never chose sides when the programs ran originally because “The Real Ghostbusters” aired on Saturday morning and, if memory is accurate, “Ghostbusters” aired weekdays at 3:30. Even when “TRGB” hit the syndication circuit, it aired at 4:00 weekdays and, by that point, “Ghostbusters” was already cancelled. However, the show managed to be one of Filmation’s last great successes before the company evaporated. Both programs are 80s trivia, but the Facebook bloodshed of the warring camps will growl and snarl into we all get slurped into the void.

8. I’m too busy organizing the next four “Expendables” movies –
**Expendables IV: The Glam Assassins, starring the glittered and teased remnants of Quiet Riot, Cinderella, Bulletboys, Bang Tango, Britny Fox, White Lion, Dangerous Toys, Shotgun Messiah, Enuff Z’Nuff, Every Mother’s Nightmare, Kix, and Heaven’s Edge, with THESE fellas as the super-bad heavies:

**Expendables V: Second City Meltdown, starring these bozos:

**Expendables VI: Snorkpocalypse! (The Steroid Years)

**Expendables VII: Spiritstorm, which is really just 100 minutes of:

7. It’s been fifty years since an original episode of “The Twilight Zone” (not its faulty re-makes) was produced, so nature clearly demands I hie to the local malls and re-enact every storyline…mentally, of course, mentally.

behold…the hat that would not be removed…!

6. Otherwise, all attention must be directed focused on the wave of mutilation entitled “Sharknado 2”. Hey! “Trejoblivion” <—let's light the fuse on this TNT!

5. I am suffering from Mad Poet’s Disease. My mouth foams without warning, and I sputter iambic pentameter like a benighted gargoyle. I am actually bound by twine to a chair right now, typing these words with my bionic eyebrows. Oh, yeah, I have bionic eyebrows. The Evolution Continues…

4. The odor of rock’n’roll retaliation is prominent; the revenge plot born from the collusion of Eddie Van Halen, James Hetfield, Axl Rose, Gene Simmons, and Steven Tyler is due for trigger after my notoriously outrageous thirty-year rant against these “hard rock icons”. I pray catalysis for their Fatal Five onslaught, that I should initiate the uprising but shoo away the pellets of grandiose pomposity hurled by the recalcitrant rockers, but I cannot afford to be lax.

3. They’re changing the SAT…again. After the roughshod “Robocop” re-boot and the gutsy-yet-gloomy “Godzilla” go-go of 2014, can I take it?

2. If Hackman, Connery, and Pesci can do it, deal me in, villains.

and the Number 1 reason I Left Facebook…

1. I’m too old for this sh*t.

scatman. small gif. we out.

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eighty-Two: I Feel the Need for Scarlet Speed

I should be happy about the return of everyone’s fast-and-furious-favorite scarlet speedster, The Flash, to prime-time television this fall, but I still wear the scars of Crimson Cannonballer’s previous go back in 1990. The one-season CBS drama was killed by a upstart skateboarding brat and a bloodthirsty OB/GYN, a sweater-clad Coke-addict who originally felt threatened by the aforementioned juvenile delinquent but then joined forces with the Terrible ‘Tween to trip the Flash straight into cancellation. Ten years later, I discovered “The Flash – Complete Series” on DVD in the bargain bin at a Christmas Tree Shop in Freehold, NJ. The Mighty Have Never Fallen As Hard and As Fast.

Yeah, that’s the TV show: a blur. A blip on the radar. A Thursday night casualty. The fault was not in the casting of the hero: John Wesley Shipp fit the role, and Amanda Pays was an amiable super-smart-kinda-sorta-love interest. The English gal was top of the pops in 1990, since she ended the 1980s by teaming with RoboCop to destroy this rotten piece of fish:

By the by, that creature from “Leviathan” is a badass and is due for a re-make versus Fred Dryer and Danny Trejo, rightrightright?? This monstrosity devoured a lot of the major players in the ‘Familiar Faces of the Movies’ game: Hector Elizondo, Richard Crenna, Lisa Eilbacher…heck, it even killed a Ghostbuster and that ruffian-turned-hero who threatened the residents of that apartment building in “Batteries Not Included”. Sadly, “Leviathan” was Michael Carmine’s last production, as the actor died on October 14, 1989 from AIDS-related heart failure.

The problem with the original Flash TV show was the assignment of the villain roles. Only three villains from the Silver Age Rogues Gallery appeared: Captain Cold, Mirror Master, and the Trickster. Mirror Master was portrayed by David Cassidy, a bit of gimmicky casting in the vein of the Batman villain selections for the 60s TV show, but he seemed more a disgruntled stockbroker that would be more aesthetically suited to a cockfight in an episode of “Miami Vice”. I certainly know I shrugged after remarking, “Oh, it’s the Partridge kid. Cute.” Then I waited for an epic razzle-dazzle showdown that never quite inspired the Carmine Infantino-penned images of yesterday. Captain Cold, who could’ve been Danny Bonaduce or even Willie Aames if we are following the demonstrated casting regulations, was played by former Scorpions musician (not those Scorpions, but itself a blip on the musical radar in the late 60s) Michael Champion, a guy who couldn’t exude the icy chill of the villain’s essence or even deliver one-liners with farcical, self-deprecating flair. Champion played a baddie on 80s TV, as well as in “Toy Soldiers”, the movie that had the courage to kill Wil Wheaton. Oh…uh…spoiler alert…I’m not really sorry…

Then we analyze the last of 70s castaways…”Luke Skywalker” Mark Hamill as the Trickster. His appearances later in the season were so popular they were re-packaged as a two-hour movie for VHS. We were finally accepting Mark Hamill as a verifiable nutjob. He channeled all inner insobriety to the role of a villain largely relegated to Flash’s version of the Joker, but his magnetic mania was insufficient to save “The Flash” from the Simpson/Huxtable undertakers. A big positive flip to Hamill’s overlooked and undercompensated energy: he had the proverbial right stuff to invigorate a new animated Clown Prince of Crime, and the rest is, as Jokey says, hysterically homicidal history…

Hey, Spider That Just Crawled Across My Screen: Is There a Way Out of this Cockamamie Bouillabaisse ?

Care to Share?

Onward and Upward, Ye Mad Bohemians and Drunken Legends?

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eighty-One: The Best of the Bloody Screaming Hippie GIFs

Inspired by Rob Dyrdek, who wouldn’t know what to do if you gave him a baseball cap and a coffee mug, I Googled “Bloody Screaming Hippie GIF” and trasmit the outcome to you:

Note the Portuguese-Icelandic-Irish Spice Girls in the photograph below Floss-‘Em-and-Toss-‘Em aren’t frightened…five bucks says the wry twist of cheek of Portuguese Spice reveals she’s in cahoots with the Homicidal Molar…

Xanax in your peanut butter sandwich, Dario Argento on the screen…numby-numby-numb soon will come…

He takes a shot for every person who’s seen ‘Man Trouble’…to the lament of his liver, that number is high, since we are talking about a substandard early 90s comedy that was another critical and financial post-Batman stumblef*ck in which expectations were high and the brain matter did not even cover the linoleum…

Unearthed: the origin of ‘Memoirs of an Invisible Man’…

I end this post with an address personally for anyone from my high school who finds me for the impending 20th reunion:

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eighty: Fan Mail

This week, I achieved a monumental number of rejection slips from print and on-line publications giving the “there’s a cricket in my guacamole, so send it back!” to my poetic and prose submissions. I chose to avoid remorse and broken-glass-on-toast because the mailbox was coked to the gills with viewer/reader appreciation correspondence! Oh, Joy! We have finally arrived at the “Kentucky Jay Reads His Fan Mail” post! This should definitely atone for the oxymoronic ouch-fest that was that Pittsburgh Pirates-Milwaukee Brewers melee last Sunday. We live in a world where the teams named the Pirates and the Brewers would engage in a bench-clearing brawl rather than do what the teams’ names suggest and simply drink to excess and pillage New England. Balance: the world also lets us luxuriate and prosper in THIS reality:

Onto the mail…

Dear Kentucky Jay,

I recently saw “The Purge” and came upon a splendid idea: Headbutt Your Frenemy Day. We can celebrate this raucous tradition on the first Saturday of every June. How does that grab you, and do you think those punks over at Fox Sports NY would cover it?

Your pal,
Georgia Parlagreco-Simplefrost

Georgia, I’m on level 13 of “Grammar”, level 15 of “Riddles”, and level 19 of “Word Definitions” on QuizUp, so I’m not a fool, okay? I’m not walking into this Scooby-Doo-veloped trap. You are just another angry aficionado of late night television comedy and social satire who is displeased about the plummet of the quality of the laughs on “Saturday Night Live” since Ferrell vamoosed, and you have concocted this holiday to get your revenge on streetwalking cast members in Hell’s Kitchen. It’s not very original. Also, you just want to crack open your skull on Jason Sudeikis and holler at him: “Now you got Georgia on YOUR mind, Bee-ATCH!!” ‘Sides, mess with the snark and you get the shark – that chick’s name ain’t Olivia TAME.

The sorceress turned my last Oreo into a rabbit! Is she trying to instigate a “Willow” re-make?

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Seventy-Nine: The Illusion Just Drank the Spiked 7-Up and Vomited Plastic Dashboard Ozzy on my Living Room Carpet.

I’ve been under the blankets of stoner synth rhythms since a car wreck ’bout 3 weeks ago, but unfortunately for y’all, Kentucky Jay lived through the scritchitySLAM!and took sabbatical for more mixed movie engagement. Pinocchio’s Revenge, the four horsegenies of the Wishmaster franchise, a Lee Majors/piranha showdown entitled Killer Fish, and a documentary about two lunkheads obsessed with pop star Tiffany entitled I Think We’re Alone Now set me regular. Fiber One bars washed with Eight O’Clock helped, too.

I’m certain the gal in the middle was the receptionist for my orthodontist, Dr. Ninivaggi…

7th Seeded UConn wins the tournament while seven-lettered (Ultimate) Warrior drops dead? This news staggers a Ugandan giant!

Good-bye, David Letterman, you sonuvabitch. Leaving TV and retiring and Colbert as your replacement – I’ll betcha Adult Swim ratings will continue to sky-high butterfly!

Oh, my Off the Air episodes are finished downloading? Well, then, no problem at all. FEEL THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR!

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Seventy-Eight: Frag ‘Em All Back to Hackensack…!

I haven’t done an informal “feature artist” post since the spotlight on Paris Cullins. After hitting the cardboard archives this afternoon, I am ashamed to admit I have overlooked one of the zaniest writer/illustrators to have ever escaped Stan Lee’s Rectum, and you better believe this guy didn’t use a chisel to chip chip chip away moist Alcatraz walls to the tune of Eastwood’s Accordion. Tonight, the cap comes off in salute to … Keith Giffen.

Yes, he’s an unassuming, almost lethargic-looking mensch who would seem more at ease hosting educational programs about geodes on PBS during the 1980s. However, this artist has contributed prodigiously to the industry, specifically to DC Comics thirty years ago. He was an integral component of the team that generated “The Darkness Saga”, the best storyline in the history of the Legion of Super-Heroes as they clashed with the Mad Barber of Apokolips, Darkseid. He resurrected the post-Crisis Justice League of America in ’87 after the group’s embarrassing Detroit breakdown, injecting humor into the franchise without the laughs seeming desperate and forced. Justice League International spawned Justice League Europe in ’89. The writing and the art were such an 180 degree turn to the Lighter Side of Superheroism that the inglorious evacuation of the Justice League’s previous incarnation was entirely forgivable. Later, he gave us the gutsy/guts-splattered intergalactic badass-for-hire Lobo and the irreverent and iconoclastic Ambush Bug, as well as a short but memorable run with Dr. Fate. I salute you, Mr. Giffen, and with the day’s 11th cup of coffee in hand, I declare: FRAG ‘EM ALL. (Helps that I just finished watching the documentary Evocateur: The Morton Downey Jr. Movie right after watching Random Acts of Violence) —

What REALLY killed Morton Downey, Jr.?