With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Ninety-Two: Three on a Meathook and 26 on the Range…

YES! Back again from the abyss of unidentifiable nomenclature! The champion of indistinguishable weirdness and slightly charred fundamental freakiness, your friend and no one else’s, OL’ KENTUCKY JAY! Release the buzzards and let loose the rabid kindergarteners! Let’s pause for…APPLAUSE!

Uh…why dat boy got a soiled poodle on his head?

I was blown away excrementitiously by “Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead” on Thursday. I engorged myself on “Dumplings” last night. Sang along in key of chaos this morning with “The Weird World of Blowfly”. The afternoon? A knock on the cellar door from a pasty-faced amigo…and an invitation to gore-gore-gore-and-den-s’more…Ladies and Gentleworms, Modern Borefare is proud to present the cinematic review of

THE ABCs of DEATH 2!!!!!!!!!

So brutal…so chilling…so feathery…!

Similar to my review of “The ABCs of Death”, I will not reveal titles of chapters, but I will make-em-up my own to coincide with the theme, followed by analysis. “Ambient Icelandic Stargazing”, courtesy of Songza, is good for my earholes. You’re at the top of the snowy hill, you’re bound to a toboggan, you’ve salty icicles from your peepers, now I’ll give ya…just..a…little…PUSH!

“A is for Airduct” – An assassin chases a target but may not survive the passage to the pay-off. What starts as slickly familiar becomes self-effacing and goofy, and I can imagine many would not be pleased with the putrescent punchline, but I giggled, so that’s-a good enuff fer me. Grade: A

“B is for Bad Woodland Creature! Very Bad!” – Man’s indecency to the creatures with whom he shares this planet is highlighted in this vignette. You’ll grasp the course of this feature rather quickly, but you’ll enjoy the brief and bloody bite. Grade: A-

“C is for Could We Have Caught the Wrong Guy?” – The lynch mob ensnares a hapless dope accused of a child’s murder. His innocence is irrelevant against the irate need for a restoration of the balance. Crumple the philosophy into a wad and toss it to the bin – This one needed to be longer and ends abruptly and discourteously. Grade: B-

“D is for Destroy Your Input Machines (At Least ’til the Next Story)” – Here we have an animated sequence involving cleanliness and the ugliness that chemicals cannot obliterate. Your world will turn to Eyebrow Exercise as you awe and EWWWW at the events. The animated features of the “The ABCs of Death” were Joy to the Sick and Sadistic, and this feature belongs in such rank. Grade: A

“E is for Every Man Has His Limit” – And in this episode, the limit was arrived at sooner than the producers anticipated. Two guys on an island gain a new friend who blahblahblah…it’s been done so often it’s tanning on the rotating rods at the 7-11 by the Parkway entrance. Obtuse Nickelback Eggheads will like the ending. All Others Must Pass Onto Letter F. Grade: D

“F is for Failure to Fuse” – The benefit of movies like “The ABCs of Death” is the admittance of new storytellers. A subtle and poised trust is placed on the director’s frame by the Golden Light. If I give you the opportunity, astound me. Rattle me. Cobra Clutch my hairy Hebrew neck until the face forms a rictus of delight. The director of the Letter F feature decided to focus on current world hostility, and this attention to a Incessantly Beeping Car Alarm of Modern Living was misguided. I think the director stayed on the path taken by other directors embracing a similar subject who couldn’t be poignant on the matter in a 2 hour treatment. This one didn’t impress me and includes a groan of a tired sexist joke that also felt hideously out-of-place with the proceedings. Grade: D

“G is for Grandad” – Pops and grandson differ in opinion and lifestyle but share long, flat tresses. The environment painted by the players of this drama needed just a smidge more focus, but that focus should not have been on the elderly man’s genitalia. OOPS! Spoiler! No, it’s not a spoiler, fellas. It’s destiny. Oh, farts, yeah, it IS a spoiler… Grade: C

“H is for Hurting the One You Love” – Another animated sequence that promotes the psychological, pre- and post-coital warfare of men and women. Watch with a lover and interpret accordingly. If your head explodes, turn away from the Buffalo Flavored Wheat Thins, hmmm? Dang, I love cartoons. Grade: A

“I is for Inheritance” – The objective of the players in this sleazefest is the equitable arrangement of Mama’s Goodies before she croaks. The kids gently help Mom along this path of legal non-existence-ship. She’s not willing. The territory’s been traversed by stalwarts and upstarts, but the griminess and a wicked undercurrent of Wouldn’t This Be Fun? sustain the story above the bog of boredom. Fun and a half. Grade: A-

“J is for Just Change Your Mind and We Will Stop Electrocuting Your Testicles” – The music for the post shifts to doom metal for a story about a man who WOULD be doomed if not for the idiomatic (and well-timed) intervention of true love. A pair of zealots try to shock a homosexual male out of his lifestyle. Proof Positive that the everyday stuff’ll kill you faster than the Conjured Vomitorium Outpourings of the Sickest Minds in Filmdom, this episode was violent fury epitomized by calm resolve and the notion of Doin’ the Right Thing. I’d like to see more from this director, as long as El Capitan stays in the outskirts. Grade: A

“K is for Killforce: Operative” – Oh, I know what’s happening here…!! Yet I watched it all go down. Is this the end of the world or just the end of the female protagonist’s world? Is she the antagonist? Did she watch just one episode too many of “Catfish” and Piss On the Wrong Cthulhu? Quiet, hellish, and happy. Grade: A

“L is for Let’s Move Past This One..” – This one I didn’t like, although it featured a humanoid monster that resembled a microwaved gargoyle. Again, you have limited time and resources, so it’s tricky to conclude with “leave it to the audience to decide what happens next” when your audience may not give a fig. The African backdrop intended to keep the plot grounded and cultured but clusterpooped the entire rapid tale into a negligible pebble of trod to the next segment. Grade: F

“M is for Man with Beard and Zombiefied Eyes in Dirty White Underwear Attacks Street People” – What else do you need to know? THIS FACE PUTS YOU IN THE RACE (see below)! Tucker and Dale, we have found your arch-nemesis. Grade: A

“N is for Nice Work If You Can Get It” – Halloween love story about the road to nowhere leading to the crosswalk. The extras had fun in this movie. Light-hearted and definite “OOPSY!” vibe deflects the casual agony of being subjected to Another Obvious Outcome. Grade: B

“O is for Own Your World” – Bite it, chew it, swallow it, and whitethrone that bitch if she won’t leave you to your carefree lifestyle! If the world is overcome by zombies, fight fight fight and DO NOT rest for that “Modern Family” re-run. The zombies may organize into a cesspool of legal might. The lady in this flick had “No Go, Chickadee” stamp’d on her forehead from the onset. This film seemed half-hearted and only dipped a little toe into the Pond of Possibility before walking the dry macadam of routine. Grade: C+

“P is for Please Take My Advice And Move Onto Q” – Harsh? Yeah. Was this one painfully, irksomely tedious? Yeah. The director wanted wacky and created wonky. Nothing works here as we watch 3 dull-witted convicts on their escape route. Grade: F

“Q is for Quite a Big Head You Have There, Jay…” – I’ve had plenty of comments lofted at my oversized skull, some thinly-veiled insult and some genuine awe of my capacity for useless information. The man in this episode finds his intelligence is his Armageddon. Play along as the interviewer puts riddles to her interviewee! Middle school nonsense meets Twilight Zone. Grade: B-

“R is for Rolling With the Barrels” — A dignified trio of emotional miscreants savor a round of Russian Roulette right before an appointment with a Big Piece of Black Construction Paper. <—-this was my concept of death when I was six years of age. True story. Even in the short timeframe granted to the madness, the plot breathes gracefully. However, I suspect I may be in the minority with that point of view, for the scene is a trifle under-cooked, so don’t send hate mail. The maid doesn’t come ’til Tuesday. Grade: B

“S is for Sayyyyyy, Jay, Doesn’t Any of These Productions Rank an A+?” – Wellllllll, not quite yet, lads and lasses. Stiff upper lip and all that rot, tho’. This one evolves into an off-shoot of “Taken” and shreds the cliche at the conclusion. I was intrigued by the swiftness and the hammer-wielding, and even an “aw, shucks, yeah, that’s reasonable” denouement didn’t stink the breeze. Grade: A

“T is for That’s The Guy From…!” – This movie would be forgetful (A film crew interviewing an actress for a special project) if it didn’t utilize the talent of character actor Michael McShane, the only “face” to the actors involved in the movie. After the initial interest of recognizing the actor subsides, he is given little to do other than get attacked by the vignette’s villain. Actually, those lines are kinda blurred, too. I shouldn’t be putting so much thought into this review. Grade: C+

“U is for Until Next Time…” – This one’s a “day in the life” of a perfekt (sic) society in which all the lovely people live very sterile, very congenial, and very creased lives. An interloper (or an outcast, not entirely clarified, bothersome) threatens the sanctity of the climate. Permission to be a jerk? “Granted”, says a voice in the wilderness of my ear hair. A perfect society…lovely people…the U is Utopia. I wish we’d collectively knock it off with these interpretations of paradise and get to the needles and pins of the situation, being utopia is self-imposed and so is unbridled anger. Peaceful co-existence? Ball Parks plump when ya cook ’em, but they still taste like moist toilet paper roll compared to Hebrew National. Take a hackneyed concept and put it on a shorter leash than the one it’s used to? Bogus. Dry and unappealing. Grade: F

“V is for Venereal Disease” – Two handsome chaps savor holiday in an exotic locale. One man videochats his girlfriend in the colonies, and insanity takes the helm. The director of this masterpiece was clearly eager to show his disdain for the American Predilection of Juicy Jaunt, where we wave the flag at the natives before we strangle them with our sense of decency. This film is entirely indecent, and I loved it. Crack addicts and boozehounds, get lost. A glorious romp, but prepare for a tinge of “I’ve seen this…” Just understand you are seeing it better here. Grade: A

“W is for What You Need” – I borrowed the title “What You Need” from a first season episode of “The Twilight Zone” featuring an elderly peddler who gave people what they needed but not quite what they wanted. I am reminded of this program as I watch the W inclusion of this anthology. The approach was electric from the beginning of this outing: Two boys playing with action figures and imagining themselves enjoying adventure alongside their heroes, posed in the facade of an 80s toy commercial. The boys are hurled into the realm of imagination and aren’t quite steeled to what they see. You gotta see this one to believe it; you won’t look at your He-Man figures in the same titanic light ever again. Tons of eye-punching fun. Grade: A

“X is for X-tra Disappointing” – Babysitter mischief. Crud, what a frightfully unappetizing and unoriginal entry towards the end of what is shaping to be an altogether superior compilation to its predecessor. I guess the range of X possibilities is limited; however, I cannot endorse this obvious exercise. Grade: F

“Y is for Your Kids Will Learn to Hate You” – Teenage resentment collides with unfettered mindwarp in this narrated entry about a girl who tenably despises her family. I’ll stick to my guns with this ideology: implement rigid governmentally-overseen evaluation if you and a loved one even jog with the notion of having a child. Teenage fuck-ups are made by teenage fuck-ups. This episode squeezes disjointed and elaborate imagery like Andre the Giant squeezing Aquafresh from the tube. It’s herky-jerky yet light and airy. Top drawer and bunghole of Satan in a burrito of steamy goodness. Grade: A

“Z is for Zo Zorry to Zee You Go…” – Pregnancy. Winter. Self-surgery. A glass jar filled to the rim with twisted root. Dad-to-be goes on walkabout while anxious Mom-to-be carries the child long beyond the normal term of development. This tale’s as gnarled and rank as the root on which the female lead gnaws throughout the vignette. Behold! Another tale about bad parenting! A suitable complement to the Y entry. Grade: A

FINAL GRADE: B+

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