Alert the tabloids, for the deed is done. Facebook and I are no longer chums. The account’s been erased, and the chains have been shattered. I am free of that cell where What You Say Doesn’t Matter. Recently, somebody – perhaps the Last Somebody Of My Life – posed this inquiry to my wife: “Hey,*NAME CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT*, tell him, ‘Happy Birthday!’ Did [he] skip out on Facebook?” Somebody call the casualty notification officer – he’s got a story to tell: “The Top Nine Reasons Why I Left Facebook”. I see you have all been lured to the flypaper by my scatter of bite-sized Snickers, so cease your quarrel and squelch your bicker. What’s out there anywhere for ya, huh?
9. I grew tiresome of being the Me-Looky-No-Touchy observer of the raging Pier 6 brawl between the ardent & aggressive “Ghostbusters” fans and the zealous & zero-tolerant “The Real Ghostbusters” devotees. Back in ’86 (seems like I say that expression everyday to some captive listener), Filmation rushed the “Ghostbusters” cartoon, based on the 70s live-action series, into production so quickly, it debuted 1 week prior to the introduction of the animated series based on the 1984 movie. I never chose sides when the programs ran originally because “The Real Ghostbusters” aired on Saturday morning and, if memory is accurate, “Ghostbusters” aired weekdays at 3:30. Even when “TRGB” hit the syndication circuit, it aired at 4:00 weekdays and, by that point, “Ghostbusters” was already cancelled. However, the show managed to be one of Filmation’s last great successes before the company evaporated. Both programs are 80s trivia, but the Facebook bloodshed of the warring camps will growl and snarl into we all get slurped into the void.
8. I’m too busy organizing the next four “Expendables” movies –
**Expendables IV: The Glam Assassins, starring the glittered and teased remnants of Quiet Riot, Cinderella, Bulletboys, Bang Tango, Britny Fox, White Lion, Dangerous Toys, Shotgun Messiah, Enuff Z’Nuff, Every Mother’s Nightmare, Kix, and Heaven’s Edge, with THESE fellas as the super-bad heavies:
**Expendables V: Second City Meltdown, starring these bozos:
**Expendables VI: Snorkpocalypse! (The Steroid Years)
**Expendables VII: Spiritstorm, which is really just 100 minutes of:
7. It’s been fifty years since an original episode of “The Twilight Zone” (not its faulty re-makes) was produced, so nature clearly demands I hie to the local malls and re-enact every storyline…mentally, of course, mentally.
behold…the hat that would not be removed…!
6. Otherwise, all attention must be directed focused on the wave of mutilation entitled “Sharknado 2”. Hey! “Trejoblivion” <—let's light the fuse on this TNT!
5. I am suffering from Mad Poet’s Disease. My mouth foams without warning, and I sputter iambic pentameter like a benighted gargoyle. I am actually bound by twine to a chair right now, typing these words with my bionic eyebrows. Oh, yeah, I have bionic eyebrows. The Evolution Continues…
4. The odor of rock’n’roll retaliation is prominent; the revenge plot born from the collusion of Eddie Van Halen, James Hetfield, Axl Rose, Gene Simmons, and Steven Tyler is due for trigger after my notoriously outrageous thirty-year rant against these “hard rock icons”. I pray catalysis for their Fatal Five onslaught, that I should initiate the uprising but shoo away the pellets of grandiose pomposity hurled by the recalcitrant rockers, but I cannot afford to be lax.
3. They’re changing the SAT…again. After the roughshod “Robocop” re-boot and the gutsy-yet-gloomy “Godzilla” go-go of 2014, can I take it?
2. If Hackman, Connery, and Pesci can do it, deal me in, villains.
and the Number 1 reason I Left Facebook…
1. I’m too old for this sh*t.
scatman. small gif. we out.