With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eighty: Fan Mail

This week, I achieved a monumental number of rejection slips from print and on-line publications giving the “there’s a cricket in my guacamole, so send it back!” to my poetic and prose submissions. I chose to avoid remorse and broken-glass-on-toast because the mailbox was coked to the gills with viewer/reader appreciation correspondence! Oh, Joy! We have finally arrived at the “Kentucky Jay Reads His Fan Mail” post! This should definitely atone for the oxymoronic ouch-fest that was that Pittsburgh Pirates-Milwaukee Brewers melee last Sunday. We live in a world where the teams named the Pirates and the Brewers would engage in a bench-clearing brawl rather than do what the teams’ names suggest and simply drink to excess and pillage New England. Balance: the world also lets us luxuriate and prosper in THIS reality:

Onto the mail…

Dear Kentucky Jay,

I recently saw “The Purge” and came upon a splendid idea: Headbutt Your Frenemy Day. We can celebrate this raucous tradition on the first Saturday of every June. How does that grab you, and do you think those punks over at Fox Sports NY would cover it?

Your pal,
Georgia Parlagreco-Simplefrost

Georgia, I’m on level 13 of “Grammar”, level 15 of “Riddles”, and level 19 of “Word Definitions” on QuizUp, so I’m not a fool, okay? I’m not walking into this Scooby-Doo-veloped trap. You are just another angry aficionado of late night television comedy and social satire who is displeased about the plummet of the quality of the laughs on “Saturday Night Live” since Ferrell vamoosed, and you have concocted this holiday to get your revenge on streetwalking cast members in Hell’s Kitchen. It’s not very original. Also, you just want to crack open your skull on Jason Sudeikis and holler at him: “Now you got Georgia on YOUR mind, Bee-ATCH!!” ‘Sides, mess with the snark and you get the shark – that chick’s name ain’t Olivia TAME.

The sorceress turned my last Oreo into a rabbit! Is she trying to instigate a “Willow” re-make?


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