1. Was it just me or do all children think Santa/their parents are fucking morons? Not only did I feel the need to include subheadings, paragraph numbers, and parenthetical explanations of unacceptable alternatives (“Not Light Boy!”) but I also identified the precise location in the JC Penney catalog where my parents would find the Casio Rapman electric keyboard I wanted. Not just any Casio Rapman electric keyboard, oh no. I’m impressed my folks never beat the shit out of me.
2. When did we stop calling video game cartridges “tapes”? Or was that just my family? We definitely have some word usages that no one else has ever heard of. Anyone ever tell you to red up your room or save the dishes? Western PA is developing a whole new language.
3. A classy watch. No request for a matching cravat and pocket square set, or season tickets to the Met?
5. Love the scratch-outs. If you look closely, the original item 1 under “Other things (Misc.)” is a Heads Up! Turbo Hopper radio controlled car, which the internet reveals to be this:
They have turbo power! The second item that didn’t make the cut was a Fort Knox safe (to secure my shameful adolescent secrets), also with JC Penney catalog coordinates. I used to FREAK OUT when the JC Penney and Sears catalogs arrived in the mail every fall. I would look at those things for hours, making detailed notes and lists. I used to get so excited looking at toy robots and whatnot it would make me have to take a shit like a cokehead smelling a twenty dollar bill. By christmas both catalogs were in tatters, just a pile of loose, dogeared pages tucked inside a glossy shell.
6. My brother unearthed this monument to consumerism while going through a box of crap my parents cleared out of the attic. He also found our sister’s list. While my list is devoted solely to stuff for me, my siblings both asked Santa for a bunch of gifts for all three of us. The most likely explanation is that I convinced them to devote precious list space to stuff I wanted but didn’t have room for. I was an awful, awful child.