With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Fifty-Six: The Galifianakiss of Death

The Dorito shards, the Dorito shards are dislodged from his beard and re-attached to your face to render you a mindless, salivating minion to the Underchaos of Bad Music, Ltd. (anything by Maroon 5) — If you are like me, you are still recovering from 1997. Spice Girls ran the globe, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones worked “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee”, European football hooligans were getting knocked down & up again & goddammit wouldn’t stay down even after a good THWACK!!! from a Andre Agassi-endorsed tennis racket, Sugar Ray was making the Alpha Delta Pi sorority throw up the Devil’s Horns and the Good Liquor (simultaneously), and oh yeah, then there was the Return of the Mack. Whatever that wanted to be…?

“Visioneers” is a movie about people in a dystopia who explode. The Common Good is downgraded Near Mint to Very Fine by Boom-sha-lock-lock-BOOMS. Automatic injection of Zach Galifianakis, congratulations, you’ve made cinema. This movie drags like that episode of “Tales from the Crypt” in which Kyle McLachlan is handcuffed to a deceased, decaying traffic cop in the desert of Buzzard’s Eden. If you’re gonna make a movie about exploding corporate lackeys, include Danny Trejo as the mad bomber.

Do…you…recall…when…explosions…MEANT something?

C’mon, kids…get ‘er in gear and mosey ‘long…



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