…End of the World? Not gonna happen. Big Media Mindf*ck. Earth, keep lookin’ Eyes Front and Square on the Day-to-Day, remember to use your turn signals when traveling via automobile, and the Frozen Yogurt is Wherever You Want it to Be…
Y’all know how I like to speculate, “Well, heckfire, Mr. Headstone, what’s to say if’n you’re wrong about this here enda-da-whirled bizness?” Point of Parliamentary Procedure: I glue myself to a permanent view of All Things the Spectacles, the Synapses, and the Sunlight Allow, but, on the fairgrounds of equitability, I compose your warning for the Sh*tkicker Finalamente, Thirty-Six Layers…AKA It’s All Goin’ Down When:
1. You see a Stormtrooper drop fifty cents into a Salvation Army bucket. Stormtrooper removes helmet…VAL KILMER.
2. Starbucks goes hip-hop. Q-tip becomes CEO.
3. As retaliation, DMX assumes command of Sur la Table. Sales of oven mitts increases 45%.
4. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 3: Quest for a Comfortable Ottoman” – Randy Quaid and the Dark Side of the Griswold Clan visit Bob’s Discount Furniture Emporium.
5. The Coffee Returns Fire: Wait for the day the java goes for the jugular…wear an Adamantium cravat.
6. Bird-people from distant galaxies alter your work-a-day lifestyle to turbo-charged battlemania – the dive of the Hawkmen from the Flash Gordon mythos predicates your visit to the local cleaners to address your soiled Dockers.
7. You pled to your Untouchable Invisible Wundergod to render your life into Antic ala Family Guy – Because you punched your kid sister in the face back in ’87 for microwaving your Short Fuse G.I.Joe action figure, your life becomes irretrievably Claymated…and it’s ALWAYS raining.
8. Existence is being dragged into the chomping, gnashing maw of Morton Downey, Jr. – Our saviors are the Orthodontic Three: Sandra Bernhard, Steven Tyler, and Ian Astbury. Do you smile or surrender? Lance Henriksen narrates this experience, Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style.
9. Cobra Commander Wednesdays become national law.
10. The Ghosts of Warren Zevon and Johnny Cash wash the world in ethereal acoustic magnificence, and our general reaction is to open our mouths, collect, gargle, and expectorate.
11. All incidental behavior, doggone it, becomes truly incidental; parallel possibility is permanently removed, along with highway divider lines.
13. Public school teachers are officially issued proton packs. Licensed nuclear accelerators? ‘Bout f*ckin’ time.
14. Scooby-Doo and Friends invite you to participate in their investigation of the murder of Sherlock Hemlock. Your reticence is compounded by the fact that you just learned your Real Father, the Father of All Man, is Victor Frankenstein’s Monstrous Mish-Mash of Boris Karloff and a unicycle. <—Revelation Immediately Followed by Facepalm THROUGH THE FACE.
15. The hipsters take to Taylor Swift…right up the top of the volcano.
16. Judd Apatow re-unites the Frat Pack for “Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew: The Movie”, starring Vince Vaughn as Captain Carrot, Jack Black as Rubberduck, Will Ferrell as Pig-Iron, Owen Wilson as Fastback, Steve Carrell as Little Cheese, Elizabeth Banks as Yankee Poodle, Rashida Jones as Alley-Kat-Abra, and Luke Wilson as “Confused Person Outside of Best Buy”.
17. Huey Lewis admits it was never hip to be square, and Jackson Browne weeps.
18. The tall girls you knew in high school peer at you longingly from the backs of station wagons that pass you on the highway, as you sit on the concrete median waiting for the collapse of the sun.
19. David Bowie wins the staring contest.
20. You empty a box of Frosted Flakes into your bowl, and the District of Columbia is eaten by the Interloping Predators from “The Mist”.
21. Parlance and Mockery become status quo; David Spade earns his crown.
22. You open your basement door to discover hideous, immoral collusion between Handlebar Mustaches and Acid Rock; Rollie Fingers regards you (see photograph), shakes his head slowly, and your eyelids invert…
23. The EMOs of the 90’s officially discard their Nine Inch Nails CDs; Cthulhu swallows Japan whole.
24. All franchised sports are outlawed by President Goldberg, save for turkey shoots, which are featured on FOX programming 12 hours a day – The remaining 12 hours are devoted to “Martin” re-runs.
25. The tornadoes that have devastated America’s Heartland are scientifically verified to be directly attributable to wanton spurts of guffaws from a sleepwalking Martin Short.
26. Terra Firma is becoming unglued. The seams are splitting, the steam of demon’s breath scalds the living. Only one man, Mike Patton, has the binding element to restore the planet’s integrity…and he cannot be located…
27. Lucifer’s shopping spree ends when the teen-aged employee at Baby Gap scissors his American Express card to ribbons.
28. Mankind, one by one, is hurled towards the moon by Cosmic Thoughtwaves. Those who land on the surface pay rent. Those whose bodies do not contact become just another twinkle in Don McLean’s Starry Starry Night.
29. All the Known Evil that Serves as Perpetual Plague arrived in our atmosphere via the Supertrain of Vomit that G.H. Bush offered onto Miyazawa’s Lap in ’92…
30. The luxury of breath is taxed in the USA; Canada becomes dangerously overpopulated, and Montana becomes Ground Zero.
31. Steven Spielberg is the manager of Kohl’s in Southern Connecticut; he does not enjoy the cinema and would rather listen to NPR. Meanwhile, author/director Steve Alten has become The Man Who Bit Hollywood in Half with his “Meg” movies, starring Meg Ryan as a prehistoric cougar searching for a husband – and killing those who reject her love – in modern-day New York City. Tom Hanks has a cameo in the first movie as Pelham Shaw, a man in constant fear that he has stepped either into the wrong movie or onto the third rail.
32. Everything’s electric, except for the eels.
33. Whistling in the wilderness, wraiths wrapped in sand and dreamcrumbs steal into our lives, converting our moisture into mytholog…that’s right, kids: unicorns are born from the sweat of the middle class. We’ll show a filmstrip later that’ll help y’all understand more clearly…
34. Vince tells Owen, “On second thought, get down from there…
35. Lies previously swept under the carpet picket for bloodier media coverage.
36. Power has shifted, and these guys are in charge:
Keep the faith, you nutrageous lot of worrywarts – Closing Time only arrives if all 36 conditions are fulfilled. Otherwise, pour the gravy, down the Red Bull, race the Dodge Infinitis, and thumbs up. Otherwise…just hit the lightswitch on your way out, hmm? There’s a good chap.