With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Twenty-Two: The Liquid Paper Existence vs. The Invisibile, Intangible Strain of Twigs and Empty McDonald’s Beverage Cups

As we march into 2013 with our arms swinging and our Netflix memberships more forcefully guiding our lives, please permit for your attention this list of the Top 30 Movies You Ought to Enjoy (Again, if Applicable) that Also Happen to Be Turning 30 Years Old in 2013:

* Sleepaway Camp – The Standards & Practices Bureau’s Guilty, Under-the-Cubicle Pleasure from the “teen slasher” genre…
* Yellowbeard – See the Movie that Not Only Killed Marty Feldman (concretely) and Cheech & Chong (metaphorically) But Was Dubbed “One of the Six Worst Films in the History of the World” by John Cleese…
* Videodrome – James Woods vs. the Hulk Hogan of Household Appliances…
* 10 to Midnight – Charles Bronson retains his composure, as usual, as he hunts another nasty, nasty speck of biology through the night…
* BMX Bandits – an Australian production that tried to warn the Yanks about the Impending Danger Thy Name be Nicole Kidman…and failed magnificently.
* Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi – I’d be a bigger d-bag than an FX Network Bigwig if I didn’t include this movie on the list, a flick that included the two fellas below pictured, amongst other chaps and chicks…

* Uncommon Valor – Gene Hackman forms his own Justice League to follow in the Hollywood tradition of “bringin’ ’em back alive”…
* WarGames – “How about a nice game of chess?”
* The Day After – C’mon, you know the words to the song: “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and…holy sh*t, Steve Guttenberg’s alive?!?
* Eddie Macon’s Run – starring the improbable duo of Bo Duke and Spartacus…
* D.C. Cab – NO EXPLANATION REQUIRED.
* High Road to China – the production in which Tom Selleck had to participate to compensate for his inability to realize Indiana Jones for “Raiders of the Lost Ark” – personally, the BEST of the “Raiders…”-referential look-alikes to populate the cinemas during the 1980s…
* The Dead Zone – Chris Walken vs. Ethical Behavior in Politics…
* Jaws 3-D – Good Report Card Reward for Kentucky Jay, whose father took him to the Ten-Plex on Route 4 in Paramus to revel in the 3-D beauty of this CONSIDERABLY OVERLOOKED sequel…
* The Keep – There must be a law that prevents this great horror movie from being aired at any other time of day other than between 2 AM and 4 AM and only on The Movie Channel…
* Losin’ It – An aptly-named movie for the stinkbomb hurled by Tom Cruise in ’83, a year for 3 other movies that have become cornerstones of his cinematic legacy – All the Right Moves, The Outsiders, and Risky Business – none of which I can recommend.
* Krull – Best Appearance by (and Usage of) a Cyclops in Tinseltown History…
* The King of Comedy – Robert DeNiro vs. Idol Worship, with members of The Clash thrown into the mixture…
* Bill Cosby: Himself – After several attempts to establish himself as a sitcom superstar (“The Bill Cosby Show”, “The New Bill Cosby Show”, “Cos”), Bill Cosby finagled the success of this production into the birth of “The Cosby Show”.
* Bad Boys – NOT the Miami Sound Machine of Smith and Lawrence, but the juvenile detention facility slug-fest starring Sean Penn and Ally Sheedy. Playground Dispute/Warfare gets Polished…
* Brainstorm – a good sci-fi complement to Videodrome, released 2 years after the death of Natalie Wood.
* A Christmas Story – I tried to emulate the Scut Farkus Beatdown in a cafeteria “incident” back in ’84…ehhhhhhh, notsogood.
* Cujo – Well, you didn’t think I’d forget this bloody opal, didja?!!
* Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life – “It’s Christmas in Heaven/there are great films on TV/The Sound of Music twice an hour/and Jaws I, II & III”
* Octopussy – Me: “Dad! Did you see the name of the new James Bond movie?” Dad (taking the newspaper from his son and viewing the advertisement): “Really…[a shocked look at Mom]…REALLY!?”
* Of Unknown Origin – Robocop vs. Splinter…WATCH.THIS.MOVIE.
* Strange Brew – For Those of Us who Remember Rick Moranis…Mr. Moranis turns 60 years of age in April…PERSPECTIVE-SHUFFLIN’, ain’t it?
* Twilight Zone: The Movie – Yes, the movie did not entirely meet and/or obliterate our expectations. Forget about your petty prognostications and be a part of the Vic Morrow Experience.
* Twice Upon a Time – You’ve never heard of it, and you’re probably never gonna see it, because this stop-motion animation masterpiece has not, and may never be, released on DVD or see airing on ANY television network at all.
* Superman III – Richard Pryor never publicly addressed the antipathy directed to him due to his participation in this film. Street cred aside, this picture will always remain at the bottom of the bargain bin, and cats & dogs, beloved family pets, must die horrific, highway deaths everyday, just to prevent the movie from returning to Light. Hmmmm…eerily similar to the premise of “The Cabin in the Woods”…hmmm…well, the list would have been incomplete in “Superman III”‘s absence. The Great Superman Freakout in the Coalyard still presses my facial muscles into a grin, so, perhaps, fast-forward through any scenes with Robert Vaughn (thanks for killing “The A-Team”, too, Mr. Hunt Stockwell) or Little Ricky Lang just to observe the battle.

GO GO POWER RANGERS — no, really, GO GO , Power Rangers…you’ll be 20 years old in 2013, and THAT is just…un-f*cking-acceptable.

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One thought on “With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Twenty-Two: The Liquid Paper Existence vs. The Invisibile, Intangible Strain of Twigs and Empty McDonald’s Beverage Cups

  1. 1. Haven’t seen it.
    2. Haven’t seen it.
    3. Seen it.
    4. Haven’t seen it.
    5. Haven’t seen it.
    6. Seen it.
    7. Haven’t seen it.
    8. Haven’t seen it.
    9. Haven’t seen it.
    10. Haven’t seen it.
    11. Seen it.
    12. Haven’t seen it.
    13. Seen it.
    14. Seen it.
    15. Haven’t seen it.
    16. Haven’t seen it.
    17. Haven’t seen it.
    18. Haven’t seen it.
    19. Haven’t seen it.
    20. Haven’t seen it.
    21. Haven’t seen it.
    22. Haven’t seen it.
    23. Loved it.
    24. Haven’t seen it.
    25. Seen it.
    26. Haven’t seen it.
    27. Haven’t seen it.
    28. Seen it.
    29. Haven’t seen it.
    30. Haven’t seen it.

    Looks like I’ve got some catching up to do.

    Like

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