If you are like me (bummer ad infinitum if you nodded), you despise Thanksgiving. I understand the words I have just typed will ignite six-headed-dragon-sized controversy, but I adjure you to stay with me, friends. My primary objection to the Thanksgiving Table has always been, and will continue to be, NOT ENOUGH GARLIC. WHERE’S-A DA SAUCE? Okay, I’m retiring that bumfodder…here’s the strict criticism: sterile table conversation where the diners force chit-chat like the Doomed Captives of the “Saw” flicks — inconsiderate eye-warbling at YERS TROOLEE, regarded as Family’s Big Fall-Down Moment — I HAVE TO TUCK IN MY SHIRT!! — The Annual Diatribe of “Unpatriotic”, “Oddball”, and “That Really Your Kid, Dennis?” from the kids when I don’t reciprocate their salivating, undulating joy for football.
CANCEL THANKSGIVING! RE-TITLE THE DAY “QUIET OR DIE”! Do you think I can depend on Chris Christie to support my antipathy? No. Therefore, go the way of McQueen and Eastwood in two of their more stalwart roles – plan an escape. Put the Pressure on the Pedal and Race Cross-Country. Why Such a Journey? FOR THE GLORY OF THE HUMAN CONDITION! We have not wings from our backs, so we compensate with other vehicles of flight: an outlaw Ambulance (outlaw facial hair, to match), a Ferrari 308 GTS, a Lamborghini Countach, an Aston Martin DB5, a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow…oy vey, you turkeyholics, I’ve got CANNONBALL FEVER.
TOP FIVE MOVIES FOR GETTIN’ THE HELL OUTTA TURKEYPOCALYPSE:
5.) Death Race 2000 (1975) – David Carradine as Frankenstein in the movie wryly subtitled “The Chicken vs. the New Jersey Turnpike”:
4.) Cannonball (1976) – Carradine returns in the first movie based upon the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash. This movie hasn’t the exposure of the other flicks on this list, but it is certainly of similar, speedfreakishly stern composition:
3.) The Gumball Rally (1976) – Raul Julia declares the First Rule of Italian Driving as he removes the rearview mirror from the car: “What’s-a behind me is not important”…Poetry from the late, great Mr. Julia, as well as a credo for my own automotive lifestyle:
2.) Cannonball Run (1981) – Reynolds and his Retinue Race from Connecticut to California; the audience is advised to retain lock of seat-belt. My first enjoyment of this reel came several hours after a viewing of “Critters” terrified a room of 8- and 9-year-olds at a sleepover birthday party. A colleague and I decided to fight the nightmares via Late Night, Unsupervised HBO viewing, and we were immediately delighted by this movie. We kept punching each other in the arm to retard our laughter and avoid stirring the parents from slumber. Thirty years later, ineffable comfort is derived from this movie, solace so rare in Day-to-Day Grind…Race on, Gator…:
1.) Cannonball Run II (1984) – Does the sequel surpass the success of the predecessor? Watch the trailer and listen to Mark Elliott tell ya ’bout the players in this here rootin’-tootin’ drama: