Trailer Park: Working NES Zapper Death Ray & Jim Carrey on the Kick-Ass 2 Set

Do you have ANY idea how badly I wanted this to be a reality when I was 8?  It’s probably better for everyone that it wasn’t.

 

I wasn’t thrilled with the first Kick-Ass (the ending was one of the most ludicrous things I’ve ever seen) but maybe the sequel will be incredible? If nothing else, I think the Jim Carrey casting was a smart move. By the way, who read Kick-Ass 2? It definitely seemed like Millar was going strictly for shock value this time.  Wonder how some of the more brutal aspects of the series will be translated to the film.

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With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Eleven: Where the Matzoh Ball Rolls…

Matzoh ball soup is the broth of conquerors, barbarians, and pajama-clad miscreants. However, the soup sometimes, as does the Empire, strike back…my night-time visions, as written and illustrated by a bowl of aforementioned soup:

I was enrolled in two college classes: one course about “The Twilight Zone”, starring Jack Klugman – one course about “Star Wars”, taught by Lando Calrissian.

I was failing the class about the Twilight Zone, as Jack Klugman (veteran of the episodes “A Passage for Trumpet”, “Death Ship”, “A Game of Pool”, and “In Praise of Pip”) regarded my sociological perceptions of the episodes as, his words, “wack-a-doodle and egg-fried”. Didn’t quite prepare for this vitriolic feedback – he decided I was forbidden to participate in forums & discussion groups about the episodes, but I could live out my days reciting Twilight Zone haiku at the mall. I was crestfallen.

Switch to the Star Wars class – Lando stood at the dais and expressed his general satisfaction with our recent writing assignment, “The Last Bounty Hunter in the Dagobah System”. One entry was noteworthy of such high praise that he stated the assignment would be forwarded to the Jedi Knights with all sensible dispatch – he read an excerpt from this essay; I quickly recognized my words! He encouraged the class to heaven-rending applause, I approached the dais to his strong, complimentary handclasp…

..then the scene shifted to southern Kentucky, where I was participating in a local lawnmower race. I won the race and was awarded a plaque by the mayor, Don Knotts. I viewed my face in the reflection from the plaque and beheld:

Yep – Alan Scott, the Golden Age Green Lantern. I was also awarded the opportunity to coach the local little league team, the Bad News Bears(with the cast from the 1975 movie), against their rivals, the So-Cal Superegos, in the championship game. The coach of the Superegos?

End of Night-time Vision. I’ll tell you the Sad, Sorrowful Punchline: I don’t know if we won the game.

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Ten: End of the World…Ever Been? Free Continental Breakfast… Zombies for the Kids…

While most of us were watching “Honey Boo Boo”…

I saw a movie that made me think about fanged, flying bagels with black velvet wings – about ghosts of the Alamo – about dead professional wrestlers who are eternally waiting for the bell and Howard Finkel’s introduction to bring them back to the ring. The movie is “The Cabin in the Woods”.

I ate zucchini bread, nuclear ravioli, and coffee soda while I enjoyed “The Cabin in the Woods”, followed by “The Grey”. You ought to watch the two movies in one evening; don’t inject inferior substitutes. Don’t precede Liam Neeson’s War with Inevitability with “The Last House on the Left”, and don’t follow Thor’s Wild Motorcycle Ride with “Starship Troopers”. I’m not responsible for the emotional erosion or physical deterioration you may experience if you mess with the Formula for Freeing your Mind from Entanglement and Swamp Goo.

“Hey, Kids, Remember to Water Your Plants, or They’ll Shrivel and Die” <—You can't repudiate the authenticity of this statement, as the producers of "The Cabin in the Woods" have permitted the adage to predicate the bloodstream of the production. I don't want to wish for more movies to be made with a similar storyline to that of “The Cabin in the Woods”, but I’m certain the industry “scare me stupid” pundits have exercised their rights to copious notetaking based upon the movie’s success.

So many possibilities – “Choose Your Own (Your Last) Adventure” – Any horror movies that reminds me of frozen yogurt chains is an A+ and a Contender for Greatness. Just look at that board: the audience was treated to glimpses of just about every bugger on the list. “Gigantic Worm Monsters from the Southwestern US” and “Dead Professional Wrestlers” would the list a tad more pleasure-sustaining…I would’ve loved to have seen the Angry Molesting Tree vs. Scarecrow Folk vs. Wendigo. RENT IT – LIVE IT – LOCK YOUR DOORS – UNHINGE ALL ELSE.