Olivia Munn Has Tits (And Little Else)

Ostensibly I’m linking to the above video because A) it’s a spot-on spoof of every supernatural thriller trailer from the last five years and B) it’s funny as shit (especially the male lead). But really I’m doing it because I’m a slut for Aaron Sorkin and I have come to love The Newsroom despite its flawed execution, hit-and-miss casting, and over-reliance on its creator’s trademark hyper-intelligent dialogue.

While I’m always delighted to see an FHM-caliber celebrity appear in a whimsical, no-budget genre short, this is really just an excuse to vent about my absolute loathing for poison pill Olivia Munn. This woman, stunning though she is, has zero sense of humor and all the acting ability of a Miss Teen USA contestant. Casting directors need to stop listening to their dicks for once.  American men (myself included) will watch anything that fills out a sweater and skirt combo but gorgeous and game does not a comedic talent make.

Miss Munn has exquisite posture and a Baywatch body. Her face should be carved into marble. But I’ve watched her pretend to be into video games on Attack of the Show and pretend to understand satire on The Daily Show. Now, on Newsroom, I get to watch her shit all over some of the finest writing on television. Munn playing a PhD economist is something akin to Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist. I’m not buying it. This woman is no C.J. Cregg. Of all the casting errors in Newsroom (sorry, Sam Waterston, I have no patience for whatever’s been going on with your jaw control for the past 20 years) Munn is by far the worst. She is where punchlines go to die. She is the very antithesis of what her character is meant to be. Whereas Sloan Sabbath first and foremost is a brilliant mind that vastly outshines her supermodel looks, Munn’s theatrical abilities are utterly insufficient to escape the black hole of her beauty.

But yeah, the YouTube thing is funny. And, tits.

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Here’s Your Marvel NOW! Lineup

A complete rundown of creative teams on the upcoming books (courtesy of Comic Book Resources, click on thumbnails to embiggen. If you’d like to scroll through the pics, gallery style, that’s below the jump)

Uncanny Avengers – Rick Remender and John Cassaday

A+X – an anthology with each issue of the series featuring two team-up stories with a different Avenger & X-Man.

All-New X-Men – Brian Michael Bendis and Stuart Immonen.

Indestructible Hulk- Mark Waid and Leinil Yu

Captain America- Rick Remender and John Romita, Jr.

Iron Man – Kieron Gillen and Greg Land

Fantastic Four – Matt Fraction and Mark Bagley

FF – Mike Allred and Matt Fraction

X-Men Legacy – Si Spurrior and Tan Eng Huat

Deadpool -Gerry Dugan, Brian Posehn and Tony Moore.

Avengers – Jonathan Hickman and Jerome Opeña

 

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Trailer Park: Daredevil NC-17 Sizzle Reel

Director Joe Carnahan was to reboot the Daredevil franchise; he got so excited at the prospect he put together the sizzle reel above.  Then lo & behold, the whole project gets the axe and Joe’s out of a dream gig. So he releases the reel online and now we can only imagine what may have been.

WARNING: AWESOME.

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger TV: Jaws Blu-ray Review

Jaws is my second favorite movie of all time. Aside from being just a phenomenal film, its emphasis on unlikely camaraderie hits me square in the quirk. Then Universal goes and remasters the thing in glorious high definition for its 100th anniversary. That’s Universal’s 100th, not the movie’s, which is only around 36 years old. I guess that’s a little like throwing yourself a birthday party at someone else’s house but whatever. Never-before-seen featurettes and deleted scenes on top of a flawless new video transfer? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

If you don’t know the story of Jaws we can’t be friends. Suffice to say if you haven’t seen it yet, now is the time. I never thought the DVD transfer of Jaws was all that bad – for a movie so old it looked remarkably decent – but this is something else entirely. The color clarity and the level of detail are really just marvelous. Seriously, I sat there and I marveled. I marveled so hard, I pulled my groin.

Along with the lovingly restored visuals, the BD comes with a haut new 7.1 audio track. Even if you don’t have an eight-speaker setup, the new mix adds depth and background dialogue you might have missed in the previous digital release. Speaking of digital releases: I don’t know when they started doing this but for 20 bucks you get not only the BD, but also a DVD copy of the original digital transfer (from whence all my screenshots come – sorry, no BD player on my laptop) and a free Ultraviolet digital video download. I don’t know why Universal is hyping some horrible Milla Jovovich sci-fi movie from 2006, but that sounds like a deal to me. Wait, that’s not what Ultraviolet is? Then I have no idea.

After seeing the definitive presentation I was prepared to say that, finally, after 40+ viewings, I’ve seen all there is to see in Jaws. I was fully prepared for this to be the last time I watched it for the foreseeable future. But the damn thing looks so good, I found myself picking up entirely new stuff in certain scenes. The 4th of July beach scene is a prime example. The lifeguard blows his whistle (“No whistles!”) and everyone races out of the water. There’s a moment when an adult couple plows into two kids on a raft amid the crush of fleeing bathers. In the older transfers, this scene is so busy and muddy I assumed they were the kids’ parents, pulling them off the raft to get them more quickly to safety. Turns out, not so much. Dude knocks junior off his floaty and jumps on it himself, paddling his own fat ass to safety. That combined with a few other shots I never noticed (yes, those nice people are trampling grandma into the surf) made that whole scene profoundly more cynical. But at the same time, it took the wind out of my own cynicism toward re-releases in general.  Like how I turned that around there? I am a master of high school-level rhetorical tools.

If I had to point to a flaw – and I never thought I’d say this – it’s that they didn’t touch up the old optical effects. Hooper’s electric beacon and the shooting stars looked very obviously painted in. It’s just a bit distracting given how perfect everything else looks, but totally understandable since messing with effects decades later is such a slippery slope. And far from detracting from the overall experience, bits like that let you know you’re seeing Spielberg’s vision as it was originally intended, just exquisitely preserved and showcased in the best possible presentation. As the ridiculously long, spoilerific original theatrical trailer commands: see it before you go swimming.

This Week’s Comics Haul: Just Hook it to my Veins!

Click covers to embiggen! L to R: Before Watchmen – Rorschach 01, Wonder Woman 12, Pigs 08 (so good and so underrated), Saga 06, The Walking Dead 101, AvX 10 (just please be over already!), Amazing Spider-Man 691, Daredevil 17 (welcome aboard Mike Allred!), The Dark Tower – The Man in Black 03, Harbinger 02 and Bloodshot 02 (possible tie for best covers of the week). What are you planning on picking up?