VPH Review: “Shadows of the Damned” a.k.a. I Don’t Want to Play Video Games Anymore


Let me first start out by saying  I had zero interest in playing this game but after a year of badgering from imperviousrex and him literally showing it into my hand while shoving me out of his apartment the other week after poker I figured why not.  A list of quotes, then, from me while I was playing the game:

  • “I’ve never played a game where you get a trophy for adjusting the brightness.”
  • “Apparently being trapped in an invisible corner and tapping X to turn around just makes the camera completely schiz out…and now I just died. Thanks, terrible camera.”
  • “This isn’t the worst soundtrack ever, but that’s only because I haven’t heard every soundtrack ever.”
  • “So apparently when you try to jump over something,  instead you stop and reload. Fantastic”
  •  “I can’t believe I’m still playing this.”
  • “Seriously? Are you serious right now?”
  • “(unintelligible cursing)”
  • (get up from couch and walk around trying to keep calm)
  • “Come on man (followed by kicking the controller across the floor)!!!”

I lost/burnt the rest of my notes. To say this game was a frustrating, non-fun experience would be underselling the frustration & non-fun of the whole ordeal. I think Star Wars: The Force Unleashed was a better game and I HATED that game with a fiery passion. I would like to think that, had I not heard that this game was “super fun” ” really funny” “dark” clever” and some other adjectives I forgot I would’ve played this with at least a bit of objectivity.

No. You know, just no.  It’s terrible, terrible EXPERIENCE. Taken as a whole, (story, graphics, sound, voices, acting, writing) it’s breathtakingly bad.  Suda51 must have all sorts of dirt on EA’s executive board.

…if i take a step back, there were at least two tiny, slightly not as awful parts of the game:

  • The Big Boner (which I will leave up to those of you brave enough to play this game to figure out exactly what that is / could be)
  • The 2-D  papercraft sidescroller levels. I thought that was a clever & unexpected direction to move in.  So kudos there, you creepy weirdo.

I could never tell whether having your unkillable, undead girlfriend Paula (who the Devil may have raped to death) chase you was scary or annoying. It’s your classic Indiana Jones v. The Boulder chase scene, where Paula’s the boulder and if she catches you (and she will. Many, many, many times) instead of being mercifully squished and whisked off to archeological heaved, you’re forced to repeatedly re-enact the chase until you can finally get away.  Terrible.

As I’ve yet to come up with a clever rating scheme (ed. note: unbuttoned shirts?) we’ll just go with this in the meantime:

You get

(additional words & edits by imperviousrex)


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