Trailer Park: Avengers 2: The Age of Ultron

Keep it up nerds and Marvel’s going to take their ball & go home.  Avengers 2: The Age of Ultron trailer leaks early (it was supposed to debut during Agents of SHIELD next week), so of course Marvel pulls it down.  But, surprise, surprise, they go all Good Guy Gary and toss up the official version.  Thanks Marvel!

Hulkbuster armor looks rad as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge.

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Friday Night Flix: The Believers

Welcome to Friday Night Flix, where there’s never a need to leave the couch or put on pants. Each week I’ll recommend an under-the-radar movie currently available on one or more of the major streaming platforms. They won’t all be classics, but every selection is guaranteed to be 100% watchable or your money back.

The Believers (Netflix) is not a move about Justin Bieber. It is an 80s horror/procedural thing starring Martin Sheen(!) as an I guess hearthrobby psychologist working with the NYPD. It’s a total product of its time what with the novelty of “Santaria” and “voodoo” and whatnot. It’s immensely fun.

If you haven’t seen it, definitely check this one out. Sheen is terrific even though the material is sorely dated. From the opening scene you know you’re not in a modern movie, the editing alone makes it feel totally goofy even though the events being depicted are totally tragic and horrifying.

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If you’re wondering if Sheen just so happens to have a Santaria practitioner as a maid, the answer is yes. This movie follows the religious horror playbook page by page and it is awesome.

Added bonus: Casual child abuse! At one point Sheen’s kid throws a fit and runs into traffic. How does President Bartlett explain the severity of the kid’s bonehead maneuver? He tans his hide in the middle of the street. It was a simpler time.

New York Comic Con 2014 part 2: Non-Cosplay Edition

Adam & I didn’t just take pictures of cosplayers (see part 1 aka All Cosplay, All The Time); no, we took pictures of damn near everything else too. Toys! Video games! Cool things made out of Lego plastic stacking blocks! Secret flasks hidden inside old NES cartridges! And more comics that I didn’t feel like buying than you could shake a stick at. Photo tour commences…now.
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So much more after the jump!  Continue reading

New York Comic Con 2014 Part 1: Cosplay Edition

Adam & I both blew off work this past Thursday, which to you squares was just another day to while away but for us in the know it was the First Day of New York Comic Con 2014! Here are the cosplayers that caught our eyes on Day 1:
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So much more after the jump!!  Continue reading

Trailer Park: Powers

Here we are, fresh from New York Comic Con 2014: The first trailer from Brian Michael Bendis’/Michael Avon Oeming’s Powers series, only on AMC HBO FX Playstation Network? Hmm.  Well, ok.  Let’s have a look.

Well.  Umm.  Huh.  You know..huh.

I love Powers.  I credit it with getting me back into reading comics in the early 2000’s. I think Bendis and Oeming crafted something interesting that had a lot of influence.  That being said…I’m not so sure about this. I’m not really buying Sharlto Copley (yes, real name) as Walker either.  Look, I’ll still watch the thing. But I will do so from my ivory tower perched atop my very highest horse.

With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Ninety-Four: Flamethrowers, Construction Equipment, Samurai Swords and Disco vs. Snakes…Guess Who Wins…!

Stop. Stop your life and go to YouTube. Turn off “The Walking Dead”, “House of Cards”, “Big Bang Theory”, “Outlander”, “True Blood”…just shut it all down and go to YouTube. I have something you need to see:

Your expectations, whatever they may be, are going to be Blue Oyster Cult-face melted. This movie is the Mad Max of Snakebite Cinema. Plotline: A mass of snakes attack the partygoers at a new apartment building. Sounds B-Movie, right? Like Dean Cain and Kari Wuhrer should be right in the thick of the monster, right? No way, brother. This movie’s different. WAYYYYY different.

Up there’s your protagonist. He’s introduced in the film via a magic box that reveals his entire body covered in venomous slitherers, including a fanged friend that our temporary hero has concealed in this throat.

Jeezus H. Crackers.

A closer look at the guru. He’s mildly humorous, a guy I call a “Stakeout” hybrid: looks like Richard Dreyfuss, and a dub like a root beer-garglin’ Emilio Estevez. Anywho, he has a slobberknocker with a big bad boa constrictor and disappears from the movie, squinty-eyed and coarse of frame, real Clint Eastwood-like.

What splatters this flick in the goriest smears of unique is its wanton, jaw-dropping, scream-inducing brutality. You know that statement that plays in the credits of animal movies, like “The Adventures of Milo and Otis” and “Free Willy” – No animals were harmed during the making of this movie. Wellllllll, this is NOT one o’ those family-friendly crowdpleasers. This movie utilizes thousands of snakes and not a SINGLE snake stunt serpent.

Those snakes being crushed by construction equipment – real.
Those snakes being hacked to pieces by shovels and picks – real.
Those snakes being charbroiled by flamethrowers – real.

You are also treated to a loonnngggg sequence of a pack of mongooses being unleashed on the snakes. This sequence is lengthy beyond merely moving along the plot. This movie had been kept in the archives, the swamplands of the archives, for many years until a grindhouse devotee found an uncut product and nailed it to YT. It’s the stuff of parties. Invite your friends and drink yourselves to a stupor, doin’ shots whenever a snake loses a head or writhes & whirls after being severed in two pieces. We’re all doomed beyond a Happy Meal, anyway, so indulge this crap and never again squash a garter snake.

Hey, Peter…GRINDHOUSE.

Oh, f*ck off, yah baah-stid.

Friday Night Flix: Big Ass Spider

bas1Welcome to Friday Night Flix, where there’s never a need to leave the couch or put on pants. Each week I’ll recommend an under-the-radar movie currently available on one or more of the major streaming platforms. They won’t all be classics, but every selection is guaranteed to be 100% watchable or your money back.

Today was supposed to be all about Ti West’s latest movie, The Sacrement. I was already a huge fan of the director’s work from The House of the Devil and The Innkeepers, both of which I thought were subtle and smart. I expected more of the same from The Sacrament. For at least the first hour, I was convinced I was getting it. I even texted a friend to be all, “Ti West finally broke out of his comfort zone and did a different kind of movie, and it’s good!” But then I realized the whole movie boils down to one of the sloppiest, most haphazard mashups of found footage and mockumentary I’ve ever seen. The story has literally nothing to say that every movie about religious cults hasn’t already said in every way possible. So fuck that movie.

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Instead, why not have some fun with Big Ass Spider? (Netflix) Is it a perfect movie? Of course not. There are seams. You can tell it’s stretching its modest budget pretty thin, what with the 60′ spider crushing downtown Los Angeles and all. I listened to an interview with the director of this movie, Mike Mendez. He explained that they were able to get such high quality CG (perhaps not quite studio quality but way better than Syfy Channel shit) on the cheap by farming it out to a company in India. And now you know that.

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Greg Grunberg (the chubby cop from Heroes) is really charming and he could totally still have a movie career if he lands the right opportunity. I love that he’s the lead in Big Ass Spider instead of some chiseled Casper Van Dien knockoff. Sure, we all love protagonists who can barely speak in full sentences but have rock hard abs. Alls I’m saying is it’s refreshing to see an ordinary schlub like the rest of us kill the spider and get the girl.

bas5Added bonus: Ray Wise is in this movie, and he is of course super classy in everything he does. (I do not watch The Young and the Restless, which he apparently still appears on despite being a sought after Hollywood actor. I assume his work is totally tasteful.) But for my money the best performance in the movie is Lombardo Boyar as Grunberg’s sidekick Jose. Yeah, he plays a little (a lot) to Mexican stereotypes but he’s really funny and keeps things light, just as a movie called Big Ass Spider should be.

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