The reports of our death have been greatly exaggerated! You know what stops you from regularly updating a site? Here’s a partial list: a newborn! Getting a new job! Moving from one giant city to another giant city due to getting said job! The holidays! Don’t forget malaise. That’s a big one. But hey, maybe I can toss Modern Borefare back on the slab, crank it up through the hole in my roof during a lightning storm and bring some life back to this cantankerous monster.
In the meantime, enjoy (or else) these 80’s villains transplanted from their general menacing environments and put into the place they probably should’ve been all along, belting out pop music (
Jodecai courtesy Rocky Davies)
Eight Artists Illustrate Their Childhood Video-Game Obsessions + One Supremely Poor Effort from Yours Truly
Medium tapped eight artists to put their premiere video game memory of childhood down in whatever style they chose and the results do not disappoint. Definitely check out the article for more specific details from the artists and why, exactly , the games they chose had such an incredible impact on them.
After the jump, see my artistic masterpiece, meant to represent one of the absolute PINNACLES of 8-bit (or any bit, for that matter) gaming, BIONIC COMMANDOooooooooo Continue reading
Welcome to Friday Night Flix, where there’s never a need to leave the couch or put on pants. When the mood strikes, I’ll use this space to recommend an under-the-radar movie currently available on one or more of the major streaming platforms. They won’t all be classics, but every selection is guaranteed to be 100% watchable or your money back.
Nightbreed! (Netflix) FINALLY.
Can you believe I’ve never seen Nightbreed? I’m not the biggest Clive Barker fan but I never would have missed a movie of Nightbreed’s cult cachet were it not for the fact that it has been damn near impossible to find for the past 15 years.
It came out in 1990 and did less box office than it’s meager (though enormous by Barker’s standards at the time) budget of $11 million. Barker’s original edit was like two and a half hours long. The studio hacked it down to around 100 minutes before pushing it out to theaters with a tepid marketing campaign that made it look like a slasher movie, rather than the elaborate, crazy ass horror fantasy it was.
A guy who did a few of my tattoos was so obsessed with Nightbreed he had each of the main characters’ faces inked on his legs over the course of a very painful week. I won’t say I liked it that much, but there’s a lot of really cool shit going on here.
First off, Barker is a nutcase. His Books of Blood novels have spawned as many coherent films as they have batshit insane ones. This leans more toward the latter, which is a good thing in my book. The best part is it’s totally original. For this movie (well, the novella he wrote first) Barker created a detailed, totally fresh mythology rooted in snippets from the Old Testament. He populated it with zillions of unique creatures, gave them a bunch of ornate sets to play on, and then presumably made everyone eat their weight in acid while filming.
The plot goes from rock n roll love story to a serial killer movie to a mad monster party to full-on Armageddon in no time at all. That’s a lot to squeeze in so naturally there are hits and misses. Barker’s biggest mistake is directing this shit himself. He has no sense of spatial relations or exposition, so a lot of the time you’re left wondering who the fuck is doing what the fuck and why.
The monsters live in a place called Midian, a mythical world hidden beneath a forgotten graveyard in the middle of nowhere. Except it’s not hidden or mythical, or even a world at first. It’s just an ordinary mausoleum with a back room. For the first half of the movie, all we see of this “world” is two tiny cement rooms. Then, out of nowhere — Oops! — it’s a whole cave system with hundreds of residents. It’s a shame he decided to cast David Cronenberg in the movie instead of asking him direct the damn thing.
The sloppiness of Nightbreed has always been laid on dumbass studio meddling. That’s probably true but even in this version — supposedly the definitive cut — a lot of things make little sense. The rules of Night Club (I funny!) tend to change radically from moment to moment. An invincible Nightbreed can casually decimate a police station full of armed cops, yet later he’ll get his head chopped off in a fight with one knife-wielding middle aged dude.
Characters do things that make no sense, like the drunken priest who’s released from jail to act as some kind of spiritual guide for a lynch mob. At some point he decides the monsters aren’t evil and tries to stop an attack on them. A few minutes later, he decides he needs to kill them all himself. Um, what?
Enjoy this movie for its loco, off the wall ideas and visuals. Try not to get to caught up in the details. If nothing else, you owe it to yourself to see this edit. According to Barker it’s truer to what he intended than any version so far, including the 7,000 minute “Cabal Cut” that made the festival rounds a few years back. Shout Factory used that version’s buzz to build an audience for this one. By all accounts fans are finally getting what they wanted. We live in heady times.
Added Bonus: Why is one of the monsters just a shirtless white dude with a nipple clamp and a Boston terrier? Who knows!
Keepin it REAL Batman around here lately. I like how Rocksteady came out of nowhere* (clearly not true) to make THE definitive series of Batman games that seem to only get better with each iteration. You get real heft & movement, a sense of weight and force behind everything that happens in the world, which not many games are able to pull off. I always thought the PS3 Killzone games were particularly good at this as well, specifically Killzone 2. Pair that with the stunning visuals and amazing character & set designs and no wonder you’re left with an eagerly anticipated third entry in a series. I’d love to see a Rocksteady Marvel game.
You have to hand it to them: when Mondo decides to go big, they go BIG. To celebrate 75 years of Batman, they’ve commissioned an epic crap ton of Batman art which they first showed off in their swank Austin, TX gallery and have now put up for sale. Grab ‘em while you can but based on how Mondo things go, they are probably all sold out. Sorry bro! But at least you can peep them all here to your heart’s content. PEEP AWAY!
More than you even possibly believe, after the jump. Continue reading
With a Jolt, My Mind Awakens…Chapter Ninety-Six: Zero Dark Sidetracks: Moments of Pop Culture Joy to Temporarily Distract You From Crying Babies, Ebola-Death-Pops (Part of a Nutritious Breakfast!), and the Argumentative Inconsequence of Your Subsistence
You know you want it. A way out. Bruce Lee High Heel to Your Grumbleshift of a Life. Here they be, the daggers to pierce your atrophy. Kentucky has the dope, now I’ll throw ya a rope. Climb, victim, climb…
1. The “F*ck You, Audience” Award goes to … The Mist. Thomas Jane, twice-baked Punisher and Bane of Sharks, cannot register to the Greatest Wrong Way in the History of Moviemaking. I am Number 6 of the 39 Shamelessly Perverse Cinemaphiles who Rose and Hollered Approval at the conclusion of this MAW-sterpiece. We get together once a month at the Starbucks in Middletown to yuk it up.
2. Dirk and the Cylon – “Faceman” comes face-to-face with a strutting silvery scrap of his late 70s space adventures. While filming an episode of “The A-Team” at Universal Studios, Dirk Benedict spotted the Cylon & insisted on filming a walk-on for the erstwhile antagonist. The moment, cut and pasted into the opening credits, was sometimes more explosively crowd-pleasing than the majority of the episodes of the show’s flimsy final season. G*ddammit, Robert Vaughn, you tainted “Superman III” and “The A-Team”. Must be why he’s doing generic law firm commercials now…”Tell the insurance companies you aren’t going to take it anymore! Call Flair, Blanchard, Anderson and Anderson, Georgia’s toughest law firm!” <—-If anyone gets this reference, mazel tov, you’re a monkee!
3. The Goofy Yell – It always puts you in a better place.
4. The Bizarro Goofy Yell – It always puts you in a better place…but no one believes you.
5. My Sonic Guitar Will Kick Your @$$: A Fitting Tribute for Colonel Bluegrass:
The Space Cowboy featured above was the pilot of the Miraj, the vehicle that launched the Silverhawks into battle against Mon-Star and his minions. Yes, the show was a money-grubbin’ toy-tie-in afterthought to the Thundercats, but, again, I am firmly sided with the underdogs…er, underhawks…er, silverdogs? Before I decided I wanted to grow up to become “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase’s greedy son, “Billion Dollar Birthright” Brad DiBiase, I aspired to sonic guitar space rockin’ as Col. Bluegrass. Though he was the only Silverhawk who didn’t fly, this cat really soared. Evidence below:
6. The Iron Grenadiers: Destro Goes Solo – Another resplendent entry into the “Oh, Yeah, That’s RIGHT…!” files. Eventually, Destro tired of interposing himself between the cacophonous conflicts of Cobra Commander and Serpentor, deciding to John Lennon himself into his own band of deadly misfits, the Iron Grenadiers.
A great and refreshing twist to the G.I.Joe mythology with one glaringly hideous problem: the animated series presented the Grenadiers as an off-shoot of Cobra. Hey, it was nice for a little bit to chase your own dreams, wasn’t it, Destro?
Perhaps a little music shall soothe the savage weapons dealer…